Alas Morissette
Quote of the Day: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
At a party over the weekend I was reminded of a tedious situation that occasionally comes up in casual cocktail banter. Reminiscing on old songs of the 1990s, the conversation invariably drifted towards that bitter girl-power product of our 51st state, Alanis Morrissette. From there, pulled by the forces of nature, the conversation flowed inevitably to one of Alanis’ biggest ‘hits’. Wait for it… here it comes… “Isn’t it Ironic”. Big ass, dramatic, pregnant pause please…
In this particular case – which undoubtedly echoes a mere 547 identical moments daily around the civilized world – the temptation for one individual is simply too strong. Let the shameless pedantry begin…
A single person – we’ll call him Johnny – wants to prove that he went to college AND that he even took some English classes! He also watched that embarrassing interview moment in Reality Bites back in 1994 and from that point forward, refused to ever feel Lelaina Pierce’s (aka Winona’s) pain. This particular high-flying grammatical acrobat truly understands, knows, nay is AT ONE WITH, his daunting book of literary and poetic terms. Waiting for the appropriate moment (and he has to act fast for fear that someone else might steal his thunder) he deftly dices through the casual nostalgic music banter and lays it on:
“You guys do realize what the best part of that song is don’t you?”
Ahh rhetorical hell is a wonderful place…. We all wait w/mouths agape w/anticipation
“The irony is there IS no irony; not one single thing in that song is ironic!”
Oops Pow Surprise and HOLY CRAP!!!
Are you serious? Please say you’re joking. You mean… I starved myself all through junior high and started going to theaters w/more than popcorn on my mind… all of that, was based on a LIE – a lie made by a sugary pop singer and children’s star on that cultural powerhouse of Canadian TV known as “You Can’t do that on Television”. Feigning teenage malcontent, this aspiring intellectual temptress with an edge was, in fact, hollow and her understanding of vaulted literary phraseology a mere façade to lure me and other innocents into the legions of her worshiping fans. Life really does suck.
Phew. I wouldn’t be nearly as heated if I hadn’t been forced to sit through at least 15 of these painful tautologies in my short life. I hope some day to have those 75 minutes back before I die.
Furthermore, it’s particularly annoying when it simply isn’t true. Jackasses like Johnny “I-know-Irony” Nobjockey jump the gun in their effort to appear impressive. Here’s the breakdown, for those that give a shit, or want to be armed w/some “shut-the-hell-up” next time someone tries to bust out w/this tiresome trope at a party (this comes courtesy of Professor Pepsi Pete, aka Encyclo-Peteea: the baddest mutha f#@ing grammarian in town). His dollops of wisdom are duly marked below:
An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day *unfortunate*
It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay *unfortunate*
It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late *ironic*
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think
It’s like rain on your wedding day *unfortunate*
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid *ironic*
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take *unfortunate*
Who would’ve thought… it figures
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye He waited his whole
damn life to take that flight And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well isn’t this nice…” *stupid*
A traffic jam when you’re already late *unfortunate*
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break *unfortunate*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife *ironic and uninteresting*
It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife *ugh and dumb*
And just in case y’all think I’m crazy in my focused, sputtery rant today, rest assured, I am not alone. Wikipedia has devoted a page – yup, that’s right, one… full… page – to this little song. Hell, Mo Rocca has even weighed in on the debate.
Wiki’s summary is pretty funny and covers off on such lofty terms as “cosmic irony” and a lame explanation from Alanis herself. The best part of the page is the proposed corrections:
There’s nothing ironic about being stuck in a traffic jam when you’re late for something. Unless you’re a town planner. If you were a town planner and you were on your way to a seminar of town planners at which you were giving a talk on how you solved the problem of traffic congestion in your area, couldn’t get to it because you were stuck in a traffic jam, that’d be well ironic.”
“Rain on your wedding day is ironic only if marrying a weatherman and he set the date.”
“A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break, that’s inconsiderate office management. A no-smoking sign in a cigarette factory – irony.”
Bottomline is Alanis was young, embittered and confused when she co-wrote the song. Did she screw up a few times in her assignations of irony? Sure. Is the song destined for the rock and roll hall of fame? Survey says no. Is the fact that some things in the song are not ironic render the title and the song as a whole the ultimate statement of irony? Ahhh, I doubt Alanis was that clever. Did Alanis go to the movies with Uncle Joey? Now, I’m frightened. Is the fact that I spent all this time writing about a 90s artist I really don’t give a shit about ironic? Nope, unfortunate. Unless of course…in writing this blog I give fodder to all those people who didn’t know things in the song weren’t ironic and then those people end up attending the same parties as me and doubling my painful moments by lecturing me about how the song isn’t ironic… but then again, would that really be… Please dear God make me stop.
